[on auditioning for Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)] One of the main characters is a guy who thinks he's a pirate. He's played by Alan Tudyk. I went to that audition, I was like, 'You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna dress like a pirate for this audition,' which is really stupid. So, I was like, 'I'm gonna walk into this audition dressed like a pirate, and they're gonna be so amazed and floored by the fact that I went out and got a really stupid, cheap pirate costume and duct-taped a stuffed parrot to my shoulder that they're gonna give me the part.' You know what happened? I didn't get the part. Show less «

[on the several well-known actors in Burning Love (2012)] Actually, I was holding something over the head of most of the people involved, so ultimately it was a gigantic game of blackmail chess. I basically called all of them up, showed them Polaroids or photos or some sort of incriminating evidence that they didn't want to get out, and then, all of a sudden, they were happy to do it. You know, the real answer is that I've been very lucky to get to know so many funny, talented people and they've become friends. So, I have the luxury of calling them up and being like, "Hey, do you want to do this?" Nine times out of ten, they're like, "Yeah!" And that one person is, of course, dead to me now. Show less «

My big theory is that comedy is a lot like porno now: there's something out there for everyone.

[on pitching the web-series, Burning Love (2012), that he starred in and wrote with his wife] There are 14 episodes. It's a whole season. It's a big journey for Mark Orlando. There are highs, there are lows and there are middles. There are middle-highs and middle-lows, or low-middles. There are middle-middle-high-lows. It just goes everywhere. It runs the gamut between high and low, and I think I covered most of them. Show less «